Her final breath

Before you read the below, please note that it is a very personal account of an extremely sad moment in my life. Perhaps it is wrong of me to share it, but the death of a loved one is a feeling we will all experience. I want to share it because it means a lot to me. I loved my Mother unconditionally and to watch her go is something that has formed the person I am today. There is a single vivid moment in my life where I saw and lived the last breath of Mother’s short life. A vivid, dark and everlasting depression deeply imprinted on the fabric of my memory. I can’t rid it. I never will. It sits there hidden, or perhaps more so – waiting – waiting to remind me of how vulnerable we can be. How am I meant to process such a memory? Does it need processing? Is it simply there, part of my being? I learn, or try to learn, to cope with it hiding in waiting. It is an immense emotional impact on my conscious that takes a proud space in my subconscious. To experience the passing of a life into the unknown is something that we never comprehend, more so adjust to the force it has. I sat by my Mother’s side in the hospital room, powerless, scared, angry. The anger was the inevitable fear that this was it. She started to moan uncontrollably, foaming at her mouth. Final breaths. Giving up, letting go. The final actions of her body, closing down. Everything is so entwined. Each action we take, each thought we process. No fight, or so it seemed. Maybe my Mother’s moans were a final cry for help, a final I love you. Lost in her subconscious, her body not responding. I can’t remember if I was there. I was. I can’t remember if I left before the end. I did not. I do remember that I wished she would just go. Leave me, leave the world, leave her pain. Her pain is something I can never understand. We have no sense of the cancer. It entered my Mother’s life. It arrived unceremoniously, uninvited, like a gatecrasher. Although, it remained. Quiet, dormant. Leaving small tell tale signs. The cancer. Her final breath. That everlasting moment. It will be with me forever. A Mother, a friend. Gone., but always with me. I loved and will always love you Mum.

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